I am not impressed! – Raw 03/18 Review

Tonight they revealed Kurt Angle‘s opponent for his last ever match.
I am not happy about it! And the rest?
Well, you gotta continue reading to find that out!


All Photos taken from WWE.com

Instead of the almighty Roman opening us up we had the never present Brock Lesnar and his advocate!
That‘s something else, I guess!
Also something else was the fact that Paul quoted Migos.
He said the words bad and boujee.
Wow! That‘s something I never in a million years imagined would happen!
Cats taking over the world, Donald Trump actually doing something smart, the entire world loving each other – all three of those things were way more likely to happen than Paul Heyman telling us that Seth is bad and boujee.
And yet here we are!
What a crazy world we‘re living in!
I don‘t need Elon Musk to build a Gundam anymore, I‘ve seen it all now!
Paul continued that Seth is just so incredibly stupid for demanding a match against Drew (which will be our main event for the evening, fyi) and then Drew McIntyre came out to tell us all that the architect won‘t be making it to Mania once he‘s through with him.
Well, Seth had something else to say about that, namely chair shots to Drew‘s back over and over again.
When he made his way to the ring the beast retreated.
What a brave champ we‘ve got!
Yeah, this didn‘t really scream killer introduction to me.
If I weren‘t a wrestling fan and just came upon this through channel surfing by accident I surely wouldn‘t have stuck around to find out if the show got any better.
It didn‘t, by the way.
That poor chair, though!
It‘s all broken now!
It was so young!
It deserved better, just like us!

All Photos taken from WWE.com

 

Finn Balor and Braun Strowman vs. Bobby Lashley and Lio Rush:

All Photos taken from WWE.com

Beforehand Finn and Rush exchanged some words.
I‘ll sum them up for you: blah, blah, blah.
Less yack-yack, more whack-whack, please!
We got whack-whack in the form of Braun going all mental on Lio.
Were Bobby and Finn even in this?
They‘re addition didn‘t contribute anything but us having in mind that they exist.
They could‘ve just accompanied their friends if that was the case anyway.
But yeah, I‘m currently binge-watching my way through the entire Godzilla franchise and Lio was essentially to Braun what a Pagoda or the entirety of Tokyo is to the King of Monsters.
Just something to destroy.
He pinned Lio and Lashley didn‘t even once attempt to help him, or save him like a real tag partner would.
I think the mistrust between them will play into an inevitable Mania IC title match.
Now, just like Mothra I‘m gonna fly straight to the next segment.

All Photos taken from WWE.com

 

Which just sucked!
Alexa Bliss had another glorified drooling session on stage with her Moment Of Bliss talk show segment.
She made a bad Oscars joke about them not having a host when Mania has her, and then Elias was her guest and oh, my lanta!
Why does Alexa act like she wants to jump on every single man that breathes?
Did she break up with Buddy Murphy?
Not according to wiki, she didn‘t!
I hate this part of her persona.
Anyway, Elias announced that he‘ll be the main musical act at WrestleMania and then the Conga Line without No Way Jose interrupted him.
Alexa had apparently arranged for the Conga line to end the segment but their timing was off.
Heavy Machinery was in the line and No Way Jose attacked Elias, dressed up as some schmuck from his entourage.
This was lame.
Moving on!

Here’s a Photo that has nothing AND everything to do with this segment!

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Elias vs. No Way Jose:
Jose‘s new hairdo is still incredibly green and dumb.
This was jobber match.
Elias won.
Lame.
Instead of this I‘m gonna talk about the Jeff Jarrett sized elephant in the room!
I‘m hoping he‘ll be the one interrupting Elias at the biggest stage of them all.
I was hoping for a full blown match, but if I‘m not getting that then at the very least I want Jeff to smash a guitar over Elias‘s head for a change.
At least give us that!
Yeah, I guess we‘re moving on yet again!

All Photos taken from WWE.com

 

To the one thing I absolutely hated the very freaking most from this night!
I feel like turning into Godzilla and destroying a Pagoda or seven!
Kurt Angle announced the opponent for his last ever match.

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Who will it be?
The Undertaker?
John Cena?
Shawn Michaels?
James Ellsworth?
Nope. Baron Corbin.
Oh, it sucks, it damn sucks!
Is anyone else a bit underwhelmed?
I should‘ve seen it coming!
I didn‘t want to, but I should‘ve!
I mean, it does make sense!
They have been feuding on and off for quite a while now, Baron has had his number a couple of times and he even cost Kurt his General Manager position.
Sense is not the problem here!
Kurt is one of the best wrestlers of his generation, of all time!
His last match will be against a slow and uninteresting opponent who lacks charisma?
He‘s the best they could do?
Hmph.
I need to distract myself with something!
It‘s three weeks til Mania and I‘d like to take this opportunity to talk about the lack of Undertaker!
Nothing so far!
Will he really do nothing at WrestleMania?
If that‘s the case then it‘ll be a really weird WrestleMania without the man who encapsulates the event like nobody else!
Hey, maybe he could show up after Kurt beats Baron in a second.
Maybe that‘s what‘s gonna happen?
I hope… while it still wouldn‘t be Cena it‘d be better than Corbin!
Grr.

All Photos taken from WWE.com

Kurt Angle vs. Chad Gable:

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Heck, this match even was better than what I believe the match against Corbin‘ll be!
It was really freaking good!
A really bright speck of light in this pretty drab episode.
Chad even used Angle‘s own Angle Lock!
It was cool to see!
It seemed as if Gable could actually accomplish the feat of beating Kurt on his farewell tour.
Well, he didn‘t.
Angle Lock from the originator and Chad‘s fate was sealed.
He tapped out quicker than, well, someone who taps out really fast.
Look, I can‘t always be witty!

All Photos taken from WWE.com

I‘m still shell-shocked because Corbin‘ll be Kurt‘s last ever opponent!
The crowd even chanted that they wanted Cena when he came out!
You and me both!
I‘m glad I‘m not alone on this!
Back in the land of harsh reality Baron Corbin made fun of Kurt and saaid he‘ll kill him in his last ever match.
I hope not!
Three weeks is still enough time for something to happen!
All I need is a little beep!
A tweet from either Cena or Taker?
Something!
Anything!
I‘ll even learn to interpret smoke signals if that‘s the code system they wanna use!
I cannot and will not accept the fact that Baron Corbin will be Kurt Angle‘s last opponent!
They need to be trojan horseing us to make the surprise better!
They just need to!
I don‘t want Corbin…….

All Photos taken from WWE.com

 

Bayley and Sasha told an interview girl in the ring that they‘ll be on SD and that it‘ll be Iiconic.
I see what you did there.
I chuckled.
Natalya and her friend Beth Phoenix then came out and Phoenix challenged them to a title match at Mania because Nia had woken the dragon.
Wait, so calling a woman a dragon isn‘t something negative anymore?
Weird nickname to give yourself!
Bayley thought that Beth is too old to un-retire.
Yeah, me too!
I‘d hashtag that, but i think that means something else.
Sasha accepted the match and then they brawled.
Lovely.
Not.

All Photos taken from WWE.com

 

Sasha Banks vs. Natalya:
I gotta pee, wait a second!
Okay, I‘m back.
Yes, this is still the piss break feud and it still was never ever really meant for me in the first place.
No connection to Beth whatsoever!
Okay, guess what happened!
Nia appeared and Tamina attacked everyone from behind.
Nobody wins, I don‘t enjoy this feud.
This did nothing for me.
Thank u, next!

All Photos taken from WWE.com

 

Speaking of doing nothing, Mojo Rawley still hates his mirror image and he still does nothing else.
Just this type of promo and that‘s it.
It‘s a really promising gimmick and yet it‘s still going nowhere!
Wasted potential is the worst kind of potential!
What a perfect metaphor for this whole episode!
Someone yelling at himself in the mirror!
Yeah, I‘ll go do that instead of this from now on!
It‘ll do me more good than watching Raw!

Ricochet vs. Jinder Mahal:
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Jinder‘s meditation skills have put me to sleep.
Oh, wait, no, I fell asleep because of Jinder sucking hard!
He lost.
Moving on.

All Photos taken from WWE.com

 

Ronda Rousey vs. Dana Brooke for the WWE Raw Women‘s Championship:

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Jeez, can they give us at least something of substance that‘s neither a total bore or suckfest?
This is Ronda versus an unproven opponent.
Ronda simply beat her ass up last week and now she gets a chance to prove to everyone that she‘s not a joke.
This has the potential of being good – never mind!
Match starts, sucker punch, Arm-Bar to Dana, end of match.
Wow!
This.Was.A.Joke.
Everybody made fun of Dana for being an unproven entity and now they‘re all justified because she lost in minus five seconds.
Wow!
How exciting!

All Photos taken from WWE.com

Seriously, did the writers just watch the entirety of the Godzilla franchise instead of doing their work?
No, wait, that was me!
And I‘m doing better work than them!
Yeah, to be fair one cool thing did come out of this whole mess.
Earlier they introduced that Ronda‘s husband was around and that a lot of security guards had been put in place by WWE because she had laid hands on officials last week.
Well, she did again and her husband yanked her out from the ringside area and left with her through the crowd.
I liked his involvement!
I want to see more of it!
I even wanna see him wrestle!
He‘s an MMA guy, so why not!
They could be a freaking unstoppable power couple!
It could be really awesome, but even if he doesn‘t wrestle he could at least be someone who stands by her side.
I think she needs someone like that now that she‘s a heel.
What about Paul Heyman?
Nah, she can talk for herself and Paul would be too obvious with all of the Ronda is the female Brock comparisons just because of UFC.
All she needs is a little muscle.
Like what Tamina is for Nia… but a billion times better!
Wait, Cole told us that Ronda went rogue…
I now know what the writing staff did this weekend!
They didn‘t watch Godzilla (again, that was me)!
They played The Division 2!
Well, that explains a lot!

All Photos taken from WWE.com

 

Apollo Crews vs. Baron Corbin:

All Photos taken from WWE.com

This came about in a backstage segment where Crews asked for a match and Corbin accepted.
Well, the commentary team informed us that the twitter-verse were absolutely hating the fact that Corbin was Kurt‘s last opponent.
Well, that didn‘t take them long!
But I‘ve got hope!
They acknowledged that he sucks as an opponent.
Usually that means that they want us to know that‘s the case.
They want us to know that they know that we know so that we know that they know we know.
What a sentence!
That almost always means that it‘s intentional.
It‘s gonna be an aspect of the story.
John?
Is that you I‘m hearing?
Ah, no, it‘s his cloning machine.
Great, so the machine that “heals” Cena super fast has been repaired!
My glimmer of hope just grew into a tiny branch that has caught fire.
It‘s not much, but it‘s there and it‘s getting bigger!
This match however?
Yeah, while Corbin taunted the audience Apollo won.
Whatever, maybe I should start playing the Division as well.
It‘s gotta be pretty good when it‘s worth phoning in a road to WrestleMania episode over.

All Photos taken from WWE.com

 

Earlier I asked for something.
Something good.
Anything!
Well, I think the live interview with Drax the Destroyer (yes, I‘m sticking with that joke) from his home was the best thing.
It still wasn‘t super compelling, but it was something!
I guess this was the best they could do tonight.
He told us that Triple H used him and that he quit because he kept him down and his career sub-par.
Once he left he became a world class actor far away from Triple H.
Cole was defending Triple H, telling Drax how he had always been a fair boss to him and then Drax lost his crap and yelled that he‘s just fooling everyone and he‘s not fooling him.
Cole needs to wake up and at Mania he‘ll end his career.
Yes, indeed.
This wasn‘t very good or special, but Drax being a great actor made it all work for me.
Again, this episode didn‘t put the bar up too high.

Screenshot taken from a video on WWE.com

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
I put on the new Avril Lavigne album for some white noise.
Maybe it‘s because this episode just stank, but it‘s actually really good.
I like it.
Wait, it has a 55 out of 100 rating on Metacritic?
Must be Raw being crap, then.
It was so awful that it made the album good by comparison.
Can you tell that I‘m trying to avoid something again?
You can, can‘t you?
Well, let‘s get it over with…
Braun Strowman, in the worst segment of the night, which is an achievement, let me tell you that, reacted to a tweet from Colin‘s SNL partner by basically issuing a death threat and then Alexa, as the host of Mania tried to calm him done.
She‘ll try to make them friends, or something.
I don‘t watch SNL and I don‘t think the two dudes are funny.
Alexa might be pretty, but just like Braun she‘s rotting away doing stupid comedy skits.
Raw episode from March 18th?
You suck!
Sincerely,
Prestige.

Seth Rollins vs. Drew McIntyre:

All Photos taken from WWE.com

Right, so, they put a major WrestleMania announcement in front of this.
Drew addressed Roman Reigns.
If he wants to be a hero then all he‘s gotta do is beat him at Mania.
Again I‘m not gonna get what I want it seems!
What a night!
I wanted Drew vs. Dean Ambrose in an Epic Death match to the death and instead I‘ll get Roman Reigns who I still can‘t really care about.
Even with the Leukemia beating.
Okay, Drew did make a really great funny, though.
He said that he might‘ve beaten cancer but he‘ll never beat him.
Well, man, that‘s low and I love it!
More punches where it hurts, please!
Now.
With that out of the way, let‘s talk match!
I‘m so sick and tired of having to tell you over and over again that matches were just fine.
I‘m also running out of ways to complain about this episode!
So, let‘s do it in Spanish!
Esto estaba bien.
And in Japanese!
これは大丈夫だった
And because I‘m just having so much fun with Google Translate here‘s the phrase in Uzbek!
Bu yaxshi edi!
Ah, the pleasures of the modern age!
Every single language at our fingertips!
How great.

All Photos taken from WWE.com

Way greater than this match.
Right before Seth could win Brock and Paul came out on stage and my favorite trope ever ended this show.
Seth got distracted by someone just showing up and Drew beat his ass for the three count.
I don‘t even have the energy anymore to complain about this sucking really hard.
Well, this episode just really went for the suckiest of suckings, didn‘t it?
Whatever, man.
I‘m done.
And not in a good way!
Not like a hot potato.
More like a half way deflated balloon.
Put me out of my misery and poke me with a needle, please.

All Photos taken from WWE.com

 

Do I even have to tell you that this episode was boring and uninspired?
There was nothing to really latch on to and hold my intention.
Nothing was interesting.
Well, okay, there was one pretty good match and Drax was also cool, but that‘s it.
When you‘re three weeks away from the biggest event of the year you can‘t just go play the Division 2 instead of writing great stuff!
Even without the fact that Baron Corbin will be the last person to ever wrestle Kurt Angle (as of now at least, remember, hope dies last!) this was a really bad episode.
Look, it wasn‘t awful, it was just boring.
and to me that‘s way worse than being awful!
So, how much does the Division cost?

All Photos taken from WWE.com

 

Do you agree that the writing staff probably played The Division 2?
Tell me in the comments!
Feel free to share my creative ways of channeling boredom with your friends.
I‘ll see you tomorrow for SmackDown!
Please let it be better than this!
Have a great day!

All Photos taken from WWE.com

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