This is hard!
Watching this Mania was the weirdest thing I‘ve ever done!
Find out more by reading on.
Here we are boys!
Part one of my review for the weirdest fucking WrestleMania of all time.
Strap in, it‘s gonna be a wild ride…
Actually, no.
It‘s probably gonna be a pretty boring ride.
So boring in fact, that this is attempt number three of me writing this!
I had a fucking writer‘s block here!
I just couldn‘t find it in me to care for this.
I wanted to go down each and every single match and give my honest opinion on it.
But I just couldn‘t do it.
So instead I‘m just gonna ramble on a bit about the event as a whole and sum everything up briefly.
What I liked, what I hated, that sort of thing.
I don‘t know, it‘s just hard for me to get excited for reviewing Mania this year.
And this leads me to the point I‘ve already made in a previous article.
WrestleMania without the spectacle isn‘t WrestleMania.
No larger than life audience that‘s the most rowdiest of the year, no entrances involving tanks, no musical acts.
Nothing that makes WrestleMania special.
Instead we got eight normal wrestling matches and one incredible bit of insanity we‘ll get to, trust me.
My point here is that this could‘ve been any other Monday.
Heck, not even that!
They presented us nothing we couldn‘t have gotten from any other promotion in the world.
Anybody can do this!
Anybody can put on matches in an empty arena.
And I get it.
A friend of mine told me that I shouldn‘t complain, because the whole situation with the Corona Virus is just fucked up.
There‘s nothing they could‘ve done better, my friend said.
But really?
Nothing they could‘ve done better?
Sure, they had Gronk host this thing and the few segments he had were pretty fun, including Mojo winning the 24/7 title instead of him, which lead to a cool moment in part two, but other than that there was nothing special.
Not even a video from Stone Cold, The Rock or Hulk freaking Hogan!
How awesome would it have been to hear Dwayne Johnson address us about the corona virus situation at the top of the show instead of Steph?
How great would it have been, if Stone Cold would‘ve invited us to watch this thing together with him and down a couple cold ones?
WWE doesn‘t even pay me for this shit and I just came up with better stuff than they did!
Oh, wait, they came up with nothing!
Nothing broke up the monotony of wrestling match without an audience after wrestling match without an audience.
It got to me!
And that‘s just talking about the shit they didn‘t do!
Let‘s talk about the stuff they did do!
Like, still having an intro that was clearly produced before this whole thing went down.
It still had the wrestlers that pulled out because of corona featured in it, like Roman Reigns!
And yeah, Andrade, Miz, Dana and Roman pulling out was fucking awful!
Not because they pulled out, I totally get that, more power to them, but I hated that WWE acted as if nothing was going on.
They kinda played dumb.
They should‘ve just respected us enough to tell us.
We‘re not all five year olds, you know?
And I think it‘s fucking disrespectful to everyone if you act as if nothing‘s wrong when the place is on fire.
And while we‘re on the subject let‘s talk a bit about Roman Reigns, cause I‘m torn!
On the one hand I think it‘s absolutely incredible that Braun replaced him and that he‘s finally the Universal Champ.
On the other hand I didn‘t want it to happen like this!
I wanted Braun to stand on top of the company because he earned it and not because another person pulled out.
It feels cheap and sad.
Oh, and the match also sucked because it was over in two minutes.
How epic…
Also, I feel that they could‘ve made the whole event a lot better if they would‘ve just cut a few things, maybe even just made it one night instead of two and save the rest for Raw and SmackDown.
It all would‘ve flowed way better.
Oh, and they should‘ve ended the entire event, both nights, with the fucking Boneyard Match!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Because that was a fucking beast of a match!
Well, no, it was more of a movie.
And I fucking loved it!
From what I‘ve gathered everyone and their mother is praising this to all heavens and deservedly so!
From start to finish the cinematic experience they presented us with was just a treat!
It was pure bliss!
this is what the whole event should‘ve been like!
Maybe not to the degree this was, but just a few skits here and there, maybe show the stars getting ready at a hotel, saying goodbye to their families, New Day calling Woods.
Any fucking thing!
If you can‘t deliver the normal Mania experience make it a bit specuial.
Make it a bit different.
Make it fun!
Just like the boneyard match!
AJ had challenged the Undertaker to a friggin fight at a grave yard and they went all out!
Metallica played as Taker arrived on his motorcycle right after AJ had arrived in a death cab – there even was a fight on a shed!
Another shed broke down and a bunch of hooded figures attacked Taker.
Taker was thrown into a grave but right before AJ could bury him he teleported behind him and buried him instead, his hand sticking out of the grave…
This was just a fucking fever dream!
Simply amazing!
It‘s the one match of the entire night I‘m gonna give a rating to!
It gets a 666 out of five!
Yeah, I‘m joking, but 5 out of 5 all the way!
This was dope as fuck!
As a lover of all things cheesy eighties action movies this hit the right spot for me.
AND IT‘S A FUCKING SHAME, THAT REST OF THE NIGHT WASN‘T MORE LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And the rest, the rest was just wrestling.
No surprises.
For the most part the people who were supposed to win won.
Like Kevin Owens or Elias.
I will say that!
Those two matches benefited from the Faces going ape mental!
That‘s the kind of style this event was made for, as we‘ll see at night two.
John Morrison retained for him and Miz in an underwhelming ladder match and Sami also retained, as he should‘ve.
Becky and Alexa/Nikki winning surprised me however.
I was certain that they were going to build Shayna up as a force to be reckoned with, or that Ronda would‘ve helped her out, but nope, Shayna just lost.
In under ten minutes.
And Nikki and Alexa I just can‘t freaking buy as Faces.
Sorry.
Especially when they‘re pinned against such incredible heels as Kairi and Asuka!
Yeah, who ever saw Kairi as a heel work?
Not me, but it works!
They should‘ve just retained.
It was probably supposed to be a feel good moment, but it just felt lame without an audience to feel good about it!
And that‘s the thing with all of it.
It‘s just not what it should‘ve been.
According to Wikipedia the general critic consensus reads that WWE exceeded expectations all things considered.
They‘re a billion dollar company and you‘re telling me they couldn‘t have come up with something more interesting?!
So I am asking you:
Did they really?
At least when you just look at night one they didn‘t in my book.
One incredibly entertaining match does not a great night make.
Oh, but I am gonna rewatch that Boneyard Match!
Right! Now!
Mania was just never supposed to be great this year.
Have you rewatched the Boneyard Match?
Tell me in the comments.
Feel free to share my angry thoughts with your friends.
I‘ll see you next week for my review of CoronaMania night two.
Have a great Sunday!